I had a rough time when I had to stop practicing medicine. I had so much running through my mind and was having a hard time keeping my thoughts organized, so God put it on my heart to start putting these thoughts down on paper (i.e. computer). I decided to start working on a blog, which was something very atypical for me to do. As I got into it, I started to doubt my ability to do it. I wrote the following post during that time. I left the post unedited in its original form so I apologize in advance for any grammatical errors.
I spent eleven years after graduating high school studying and training to become a doctor. I spent nine more as a family practice doctor using the knowledge and skills I had acquired. I was forced to retire in January of 2016 due to complications from a traumatic brain injury. I was confused on what to do next. Doctoring was all I knew, and this was no longer an option.
I was lost and needed something to fill the void of unemployment. At the start of my permanent, non-requested leave of absence from medicine, I started working on a blog. I had no clue what I was doing. I am a below average writer, but for some reason, I thought this might work for me. At the very least, it might keep me sane. I thought it would keep me busy and keep my mind off what I couldn't do.
I called my blog "Finding Normal: My Journey to Discovering Purpose." The goal of it was to document the journey of discovering how to use my new normal and the role faith played in the journey. This was very promising at first, but if I am being honest, I am starting to question my ability to successfully launch a blog. And even I am able, will it really give me a sense of purpose? Here are just a few thoughts that are running through my mind discouraging me from moving forward with it.
- This blog is a waste of time.
- This blog is silly.
- This blog is pointless
- There are already enough blogs out there
- People won't read it.
- I am not a good enough writer.
- My writing is too hard to understand
- My writing is disjointed.
- I should find something else to do.
- I should find a real job.
Since I have stopped working, many people come up to me and ask what I am doing now. I have to admit, when I tell them I am working on a blog, I am embarrassed. Going from doctor to blogger was never part of my master plan. I hide behind the feeling it is something God is calling me to do. But sometimes I wonder if I am fooling myself.
With all that being said, I continue to record my thoughts and experiences so I can post them at a later date once the blog is launched. Despite all these negative thoughts, something inside keeps pushing me forward. I am trusting that God is the one driving me to continue. I would think if it weren't something God is behind, He would have put road blocks up to redirect me elsewhere. But He hasn't done this yet! So I haven't stopped!
I know God has used some of the least expected and least qualified people to do some of His most amazing work. I am holding on to the hope that God can use an out of work brain injured doctor with poor use of the English language to successfully pull this off.